XXX-MAS INTIMATE APPAREL & ACCESSORY GIFTS FOR RUNNERS: By Coach Kevin Smith, November 2002 (tongue in cheek!)

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You hear it all the time from your non-running friends & family, don’t you—that running looks like it’s “all just about sex!”  Skimpy clothing, sweaty bodies, heavy breathing, etc…to them, it’s one step away from the Friday night Baby Blue movie (come to think of it, why don’t they use running storylines for those…hmmm).  Well, in the immortal words of Bonnie Raitt—“Let’s give ‘em somethin’ to talk about!”

Just in time for the holiday shopping season, here are 12 items you’ve always wished you could have yourself, or give to that special runner.  Convenient online ordering at www.nicelegzzz.com (not a real website...duh!)

1.       THE “MARATHONG”: no more bunching and chaffing material between the legs on long runs…and what an alluring profile you cut with this revealing item for “après run”

2.       THE “CADA-BRA”: it’s a stroke of genius (and speaking of stroking my genius…but I digress)!  Incredibly functional design keeps everything (well, both of them!) in place and comfortable during the ballistic rigors of running, and then with one quick underarm adjustment, presto!…the most effective push-up bra shy of the Victoria Secret catalogue!

3.       “STILBLACKTOE HEELS”: sexy, 6-inch pumps, carefully contoured to relieve compression of those already mashed-to-pulp-toes and nails of the distance runner.  Sexy footwear shouldn’t hurt (unless you’re into that kind of thing)!  A real turn on for you foot aficionados, “to boot”!

4.       THE “NIGHT CAP”: with this moisture-wicking, breathable, form-fitting “safe guard barrier”, running and sex can be practically simultaneous, and almost completely risk free!  Go ahead…leave your hat on!

5.       NEON “NIPPLE GUARDS”: play safe, be seen! Whether in amorous, or arduous pursuits.  Now available in frisky Night-Glo for hours of late night fun!

6.       “CREASE GREASE”: revolutionary “fixer elixir” of the gods…can prevent natural disasters running-wise, and creates wonders-of-your-world other-wise!

7.       “SEXY LITTLE NUMBERS”: actual bib numbers we’re talking about here…but with ultra smooth feel, seductive fonts, and pinholes in just the right places…when that next race entry blank asks for sex (M or F), just scribble in Y for “YES”, and off you go!

8.       “LEATHER ‘N LACES”: two great fabrics that go sexily together right? Well then, why not leather laces…running shoe laces, that is.  They never break mid-run or come undone, and then for post-run interludes, use your imagination…but do, ahem, 'restrain' yourself.

9.       “FISHNET TIGHTS”: let nylon be bygone, lose the lycra!  Go with this eye-catching, libido revving, oh-so-revealing legwear on your next run, and expect the unexpected.

10.   “JOCK’S TRAP-EZE”: keeps everything in place where and when it needs to be for running, and then after the workout, when it’s time for play--let the circus act begin! 

11.   The “TICKER TAKER”: sexy, strapless design of this ECG accurate Heart Rate monitor shows off those finely sculpted shoulders, while providing audible “thump-thump” signal to tell you when you’re “peaking”, and when you are "recovered and ready to go again"  ;o)

12.   “MOTION LOTION”: a secret blend of A535, slow-evaporating massage oil, and a pheromone-based “thermo-erotic” marvel for after running or before “xxx-training”…mind you, don’t get this stuff anywhere really sensitive, or you'll REALLY feel the burn!